I’m tired. I can’t think of a title.

Energy.

I’ve always been depressed. Sometimes less, sometimes more. I don’t know if it’s that, or my brain has literally wired itself all wrong with everything that it has seen and felt all its life. I wouldn’t blame you, brain, but please just be, like, honest with me about what it is?

I have been on medication before for a short while. Helped, then didn’t. At all. Back to the baseline.

I miss having energy. But I don’t know I can miss it, really. When did I ever have lots of energy? It was always this raw effort to physically push myself and function. I did that 15 years ago. I still do that today. Some things never change, I know alone (HAIM reference).

Everything takes energy. I just don’t have that much most days. Reminds me of this game Robin, where I first learned the concept of spoons back in 2018.

Pride.

Despite all that, there are things I feel grateful for. Yes, at the same time totally aware of how ungrateful I am of other things.

I saved a crazy ton of money to:

• buy a budget sedan car,
• get into this whole Apple ecosystem,
• pay for my own surgery

And so much more. I really… got out. 13 year old you, I got out! I flew in planes. I took trains. Took taxis. Paid for a rental car. Travelled to these cities. Moved cities. Had my own room. Paid for therapy. Bought and then sold a guitar. My 20s were…great. Lots of growing up. Lots of changes.

I saw this reel the other day:

What would I tell my 13 year old self?
Nothing. I don’t talk to losers.

Some Instagram influencer.

And while a little too demeaning for my taste, I felt that.

I’ve come so far. But sometimes I look down the road, and I have to go so much more farther. It’s…scary. I just want to rest for a few years. Maybe the rest of my life. But I know that won’t happen…

🎧 today.

Amber Bain’s new album is out very soon. It’s annoying how hard it is to know stuff like that these days unless you religiously follow artists on their socials. I randomly opened The Japanese House on Apple Music while looking through some of their other songs, just out of curiosity for their older stuff, you know. And I see something brand new out soon. Cue mild shock and of course pleasant excitement.

All these algorithms and I can’t get an email from Big Tech about upcoming albums by my favourite musicians. Fun!

Perform my stupid rituals, everything is cyclical

Hold on to this feeling ’cause you won’t feel it for long
You won’t feel it for long

I don’t know what’s right anymore
I don’t wanna fight anymore
Sitting in the back seat, driving with my sunshine baby
Well, I’ve gone a little crazy
Surely someone’s gonna save me now

I miss my dog and I miss falling in love
I miss the feeling that you get when someone fits just like a glove
I can’t help but question, maybe this isn’t helping

🎧 The Japanese House — Sunshine Baby