Scene:
Back home. Red-eye flight. Sleeping in the day. People honking their cars and scooters. Bed is comfy. Sounds of the city are fading in and out of my head as I twist and turn.
Recently:
Best friend is now engaged — and getting married soon, of course. On my birthday, in fact, which yes, I realise is quite ironic.
It’s been a strange experience, this trip.
I missed my train back, and had to book a flight to still get back home early enough.
I met a few cool people.
I love people sometimes. I hate the world. I’m tired of the pain that’s everywhere all around us all the time, and in awe of everyday kindness and friendly intimacy.
I’m happy for my best friend. She’s found a really, really nice guy.
Is my brain going to make this about me? Yes, you see, I kept it in line — until now. Waited until I could get back home to start writing this.
After all, who’s going to stop a girl who over-thinks from popping up her headphones and enjoying every travel ever?
I don’t want to be on The Apps. I’m tired of trying to hold conversation when there is none. I have, for the first time in my life, started unmatching with matches. Show up. Or go away.
I no longer want to play late night video games.
I want to sleep on time.
I want to listen to good music. Read about artists. Discuss about artists. Tell my friends about these musicians.
Go to nice cafés. But not for the food, but to exist and do my things in a new space. Build a list of comfortable spaces.
Enjoy my job. How that is going to happen, I have yet to have a clue.
Work on my health and appearance. I’ve been muttering around this for weeks now. It’s time.
I want to…live.
Look at these tears streaming down my face. An honest admission when you put it down in pen can do so much.
I. Want. To. Live.
They say those who want to end their lives want to end it the way it is at this point. A different future, a different life trajectory… that’s all the difference.
I need the woman of my life.
Nadia, I want this one moment…it’s what I want in a relationship, which might explain why I’m single now ha ha.
Frances Ha
It’s hard to…it’s like that thing where you are with someone and you love them and they know it, and they love you and you know it but it’s a party and you’re both talking to other people and laughing and shining and you look across the room and catch each other’s eye not because you are possessive or that it’s precisely sexual but because that is your person in this life.
And it’s funny and sad, but only because this life will end, and it’s a secret world that no one else knows about that exists right there in public unnoticed – sort of like how they say other dimensions exist all around us but we don’t have the ability to perceive them.
That’s…that’s what I want out of a relationship. Or just life, I guess. Love. Blah, I sound stoned. I’m not stoned.
Maybe if I keep going to therapy, keep braving things, keep giving myself strength, I won’t need anyone. But maybe, just maybe, I don’t want to heal as much. I want to stay broken, a little bit. Just enough. Meet someone. Find the energy to my life. The water to my tea. The tea to my water. Love someone. Be loved.
Hold hands as we walk to this café and that café.
Talk about our jobs.
Our days.
Our hopes.
Our sadnesses.
And our little wins.
Go for evening walks.
Morning walks.
Look at flowers.
Gift flowers.
Gift things.
Gift love.
Listen to and discover good music together.
Have our very own two-member karaoke at home.
Talk about why certain lyrics hit so deep.
Share lyrics we’ve written over the years.
Sleep together.
And utter, “I love you,” because I mean it, because I can, because I’m lucky.