I didn’t really love her.

I got my brain to think I love her. And yes, I now realise that that’s something that’s possible and is a thing. It’s different to limerance, but limerance sounds like a close next step.

And that’s the thing with me. I was (am) so desperate that I made something up where there was nothing. It took over a year for me to get my clarity.

Strangely, I miss her tonight.

I like (liked) her smile. She was (is) happy – a lot. She wasn’t someone like me. Not to say she had had a difficult life (or not), but she was very chill, very low stress, very…not in her head. Those kind of people are the anti-dote for people like us.

I did open up to her a few times. She was good at this advice stuff. Something I tend to need – an outside view/perspective on my everyday/mundane. I was worried though. I wanted to be more than just someone who needs help all the time. And I tried. And I think I did a pretty okay job.

I think… It would have been tiring. For that to have gone on. We’d have broken up anyway.

And yet, I went to this part of town today, where I saw this little play. On relationships, love, loss, moving on. It was very close to where she and I met for our second date. Where I got a bouquet of flowers. The tiny room. The play and her friends. The short trip to an okay-ish restaurant. Us getting drunk (me more than her). Us sitting on the same side of the table – as couples do. Me leaning in on her.

Anyway, the play — I missed her. I wished she was there, that we’d be holding hands while we watched the play. Or leaning our heads in. Or both.

And then when I came back home after a long, tiring day, I missed her more. Thought she’d be home in my (our) bed. I’d tell her all about my evening. The people I saw at the subway practicing their skateboarding or roller skates chops.

Or how the sun set today.

Or how I sat in the wrong theatre, grumbling how they’re 20 minutes late, only to then realise my play was elsewhere and I missed some 15 minutes of the 90-minute performance.

Walking down two flights of stairs to exit because it has no people. Some quiet and calm after experiencing a play that had me shed a couple of tears.

Finding this neat lamp that I had to take a photo of.

A willing listener. Someone to peck on the cheek quietly before we go to bed and try to sleep.

And do it all over again.

But if we have to go now, I guess there’s always hope that
Some place will be serving after hours

This night is winding down but time means nothing
As always at this hour, time means nothing
One final, final round ’cause time means nothing
Say that you’ll stay
Say that you’ll stay

We’re finally drunk enough that we’re finally soaking up
The hours that everyone else throws away
And if we have to go now, I guess there’s always hope
Tomorrow night will be more of the same

🎧 We Are Scientists — After Hours