Flying blind. – Growing Old With You

I re-discovered some songs from back in the day on this trip to the sea-side city.

S had called some office friends over. Everyone was drinking and Green Day came up. I only had half a beer before giving up and just getting some tea for myself instead. It caused a bit of laughter around the table.

Anyway, I now have 2 albums and a bunch of songs by Green Day (back) in my library. 🙂 Coldplay’s first 4 albums are in too! They used to be so good. Or maybe I have stopped being as receptive. Likely both.

So much of my early music is lost to time and memory, really. They come back now and then, they do. I’m glad for that.

In my place, in my place
Were lines that I couldn’t change

Yeah, how long must you wait for it?
Yeah, how long must you pay for it?
Yeah, how long must you wait for it?
For it

🎧 Coldplay — In My Place

What will it take for me to become a morning person? I’ve given up games for the most part but I still can’t go to bed and fall asleep at a good time. If I can wake up at 7am, I give myself two blocks of free time and a easy start to the morning. Someone said it takes months to correct this. That frustrates me.

Oh, and —

I need to get better.

How do I get better?

I don’t know.

Today, I got out of bed. It wasn’t as hard because today isn’t a work day. It’s easier to not look at clock faces today. I know I have higher standards for myself. Always. Which is why getting out of bed doesn’t feel an accomplishment, no matter how down I am. This was just an observation — I got out of bed today.

Will I accomplish today?

It’s hard for me to live my life without having a major goal to work towards. A part of me tells me, “Listen, you’ve done everything you can. You can relax now. Just live your days.” Another part of me says, “That sounds meaningless. You must work towards something. There has to be a goal. A tangible goal.”

I don’t want to fly blind. But like the career I so aspired towards at a point in my childhood, I must learn to fly blind. Gauges. Buttons. Levers.

I don’t have to be comfortable.

How do I sit with the discomfort?

But am I just a machine?

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