i stopped celebrating new year’s as soon as i realised that i was stuck in a cycle of promising to be a better person, do better things, and come out at the “end” of the year an improved version of myself — and then failing.

the pressure, as you probably know from experience, is too much. it’s motivation, not discipline. short burn. burnout. no long lasting changes. being frustrated with oneself.

then i moved on to making realistic goals. i thought i could do better, but i think we struggle with “realistic” goals. depending on how we’re doing and what state we’re in, realistic can look about five different, distinct shades. which one is realistic?

then i rubbished it. it’s just one rotation around the sun. what does it matter? if you really wanted to be a better person, you’d start today. you wouldn’t need a made up concept to anchor you. you’d start now.

then i realised we’re all fragile beings. floating through a torrid time. and anchoring is…not a bad thing. a collective, communal feeling of “i get to change something about my life, or even me” creates wider empathy and trust. it gives people naked faith to take risks for themselves. but, while it does so, it does leave a lot of folks behind. those who are not included. deliberate or just by accidental omission. empathy does not come pour an infinite cup. i wish it did…

2025…for me is going to be about… a lot of things. i have already started. because i can start whenever i want. and i don’t have to hold anyone else to that standard. it can be just me.

okay.

here’s my list:

• keep saving money, as i am.
• keep building long streaks away from “bad” food (deep fried, sugary, no fiber/protein/nutrition, etc.), as i am.
• build on my first few runs from the last couple of weeks, and try to do it as much as i can. whatever as-much-as-i-can is.
• on the back of the last 2 goals, lose 8 to 10 kgs in the next 12 months
• learn to cook some basic dishes, and start to cook for myself
• whenever i feel ready again — get back on hinge, meet people… except this time: be picky, be honest, and have difficult conversations with myself and with the other person.
• build on my fluid energy. exist not in strict labels, but in the human condition. embrace wherever things go. get hurt, hurt, and still show up at work.
• create. create for personal joy. create for others. create for somewhere in between.
• find energy to experience more of the world: ice skate more, rock climb more, sit in pretty/scenic/calm spots and listen to music albums, weekend trips with strangers.
• say no. no means i get back time, energy to do all of what i want to. SAY. NO.

i think i’ve been doing a lot of this.

whatever i do, i want to do it sustainably. so we’ll see where we get to when the year ends, ok? 🙂