Performing slam poetry for a single person, a new queer friend, at a lake.

Drinking litres of water, then looking at my face in the mirror to see if anything’s changed.

Not drinking litres of water, then looking at my face in the mirror to see if anything’s changed.

Dreaming about being in bed with a woman whose face I can’t remember. Waking up feeling like I was loved recently, and yet, no longer loved. Horrified.

Trying to get out of bed every single day to make it to my office that’s not really where I see my co-workers in flesh and bones.

Coming back drained, wondering what the point of a life like this is.

Breaking down and crying as I perform my post-op medical routines, just about, wondering why I am still here.

Looking back at all the attempts, and wondering why I am still here.