TW: Suicidal ideation.

Maybe you only read this blog because you know who I am. Maybe anyone else has no reason to care. Maybe that’s just a very odd outlook to hold at this stage in my life. We might all be strangers, but I do care about so many of you. You probably do, too, right?

But, I want to say today is that kind of a day where I want to kms.

No, I won’t do it. I’ve trained my impulses over the last 15 years. Heck, some days I do see a “future” for myself that’s not a pitch black canvas. Don’t call my therapist.

See, I’ve been alone all my life. And I think I will be alone all my yet-to-happen life too. The last ~7 years were a blip. I got used to permanent company, I can very well get used to not having that company.

After I finished watching Bohemian Rhapsody on Netflix, these lines hit different. They always did. But a new context, a new light (see what I did there?) reinvigorated this song for me.

If I’m not back again this time tomorrow
Carry on, carry on as if nothing really matters

Too late, my time has come
Sends shivers down my spine
Body’s aching all the time
Goodbye, everybody, I’ve got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth

[…]
I don’t wanna die
I sometimes wish I’d never been born at all

Queen

I don’t want to be that kid who’s still listening to Linkin Park. Still listening to emo bands. Who hasn’t grown. I want to grow all the time. I want to be better. I want to be a healthy adult. But why should I bother, really. I feel tired.