it’s interesting that a concept like limerance exists. i have casually wondered over the last few weeks if what i am feeling is this. what is love? how is limerance different to love? how do i identify it? how is this different to just my qualities as a person due to my upbringing, past trauma, etc.?

well, whatever the case may be, i know that i was…pretty upset. unreasonably so. this person is not close to me. not in the traditional sense. i think we’re…honest with each other. i like that. but… how much do i really know her? not as much as i think. we meet once every few months, sometimes even less than that! sometimes we stay up texting. sometimes we have a conversation.

there’s no reason for me to play Need You Now on loop about nine times at 1am.

to find reasons to cry so i can get over that text she sent. about not wanting more. i realise it hurts me more because it rubs some of my wounds a little too closely, not because it is coming from her. there is some respite in that, as crazy as it sounds.

i went on a spiral. and i thought…

“what if i were prettier?”

“what if i were cis?”

would these things change anything?

maybe. maybe not.

this version of reality is the version i am living. does it help to wonder about this?